1w, 3r, 1w, 5r, 1w, 3r, 1w, 6r, 1.5w = 2miles, eliptical

It's been a while since my last posting. The day after my last true run I had a back spasm while at work, and have been working through it. There was a lot of pain. I was on a steroid to kick the imflamation, and vicodin. I don't like taking vicodin because it makes me drowsy, and makes me feel distant from totally everything. The pain, myself, what's happening around me...everything.

On Tuesday I powerwalked with Dani, but it wasn't the same. I was dying to run with her, to push my body, to feel the impact of my feet on the concrete, but I didn't trust my back. When I went to fast I could feel that sudden shooting pain telling me to take it easy. The next day the pain was excrutiating, and I worried off and on that I might never get better. Lots of people live with back pain year round. I couldn't imagine how awful I would feel, how depressed I would get to be so limited. I'm sure I'd get used to it and try to overcome it in time, but that day the thought was more than I could bear. I went back on anti-inflamatories and by Thursday evening I was feeling capable of getting back into the swing of real exercise.

Today is Friday evening. When I got on the eliptical, I was holding a hot coal of anger tight in my chest. I wanted to beat my body up. How dare it try to keep me out of shape? How dare I let a little pain stop me from being who I want to be? I wanted to do the body equivalent of singing until I was horse.

It felt great. My longest run yet, and once again although the sweat poured down my face and salted my lips, though my legs feel like jello now, it didn't kill me. Could I have pushed myself even further? Maybe, but what I did was sufficient for now, and it sure felt like PLENTY when my breath was coming raggedly between my teeth and the muscles in my thighs were begging for a rest!

The elliptical is great, but it's not nearly the same experience as running with Dani. I like to hear the birds, I like seeing the other people on the path with us, passing dogs, pushing up that very slight incline on one side of the path. I love the trees, and on Tuesday the sprinklers turned on while we were there. How wonderful that will feel! All this besides the absolute best part, having Dani by my side.

She is the time keeper, and uses her phone to tell when to start and stop. I like that I can just look at her and know that yes, we're starting now or no, it's not time to stop yet! Even if I feel like I'm about to keel over from the effort, if SHE can still do it, then damn it, so can I! I worry a little that this time I have spent healing will have me too much behind her in our sets...but I managed on the elliptical alright. I just don't know how comparable the two experiences are. I'll be able to tell you after tomorrow morning's run though. :)

Being serious about weight loss and exercise is so exciting! I feel so...righteous? Vindicated? I don't know the right word. When I choose water instead of ice cream like i did yesterday. When I eat part of my meal instead of all of it as fast as I can (although I haven't done that at every meal, certainly!). I like looking in the mirror and although I don't like what I see yet, I see reflected in my eyes EXACTLY who I want to become. Someone strong, lean, energetic, flexible, capable, powerful, and downright EPIC.

I look forward to runs more than I dread them. I know what kind of pain, and what kind of pleasure, can come from what I'm about to do. I wonder that I didn't do this before, that I could live without feeling this kind of earned exhaustion.

Someday I will be who I am, who I am becoming.

- Maddie